Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
You Might Also Like
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule