*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by