Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD