“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
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What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party