Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
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A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”