Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
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Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”