ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
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he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.