Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
You Might Also Like
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’