8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
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[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
#Caturday
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered