People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
God, I love Scotland
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows