*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Boy never ceases to amaze me
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress