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My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
saving face 👀
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
me adding lol on a serious message
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.