My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.