Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
You Might Also Like
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?