Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
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Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.