All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
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What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
so this horse walks into a bar
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
is this store having a stroke wtf
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.