i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
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God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?