At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
You Might Also Like
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
The Sun
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.