rich people when they have to pay taxes
You Might Also Like
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?