I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
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Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*