BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
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My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
accurate
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.