Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
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My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.