“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.