20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
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“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff