Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
no such thing as a dumb question