I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
become ungovernable
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.