Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
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Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay