Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
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Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
this is so top tier i cant
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.