“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
You Might Also Like
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter