date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up