Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
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[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
The best shot in the history of golf
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes