If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
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Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.