In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Get off my horse you stupid moon
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car