Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
You Might Also Like
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again