*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
You Might Also Like
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
incredible
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is