*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
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Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My plans: 2020:
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .