Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
You know I’m something of a chef myself
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My Guy
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts