5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
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Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia