My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
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IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Rooting for the overdog
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it