Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
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Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”