I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no