Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I don’t think my car can fly
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.