Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
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I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think