My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
North and South
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.