So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
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TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.