Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
From my Mom
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
me when the borders lift
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job