My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
You Might Also Like
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Body by Oreos
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while