Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument