My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
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The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?