Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.